Brian ordered us the  Britax B ready stroller  which converts to a double.  This means in 2 days I will be mobile with both babies! It has been fairly isolating being stuck at home. Now I can get out for walks in the morning this summer which solves my no exercise problem. We picked this stroller because it easily accommodates our Britax B safe infant car seat which we will put Ellie in. Titus will sit in the seat that the stroller comes with. When Ellie gets bigger we can splash out for the second seat.

My Dad and his wife gave us 3 hours notice before arriving for the duration of Father's day. It was fine, I'm just not really used to that. They had to drive 100 miles to get here. I moved to Portland in 1993 and never saw them outside of their home until I married Brian in 2004. I used to make all the effort. They got real friendly after I was married. I joked that it was in anticipation of grandchildren but now I know that was no joke.  As usual, my step mom brought a bunch of stuff for Titus. I had already told her no "vintage" plastic toys. our house is just under 1000 square feet and we have ZERO space for piles of plastic toys from 1992. She brought them anyway. Last time it was a giant box filled with smelly and ancient baby shoes. Out gassing plastic of unknown origin. This time 3 bins full of musty and out dated baby clothes. She did give us some nice things in the smaller sizes but I had to go through piles and piles of her hoard before I found the good stuff.  I have no garage or basement to put this stuff in. She expects to get it back. I dont even know where I can put it until she can come for it next month.  My own mother isnt much better. She means well but brings bags of clothes from the goodwill as is bins. They Stink! Im all for second hand but I dont want it to be so smelly that you cant get the stink out with 2 hot washes. I dont have the time to deal with this stuff. Think its time to put my foot down and say thanks but no thanks. There is so much crap in my living room and kitchen that it will take hours to sort today. I do want to cry. Here, have a load of garbage and be thankful for it. You would think they grew up during the depression, instead of the booming 1950's and 60's. My mom is from a regular middle class family and step mom was quite well to do as a child.

I did buy what they call a Lot of clothing for Ellie over the weekend. Most everything she will need from now until 18 months with the exception of coats, underthings and shoes. It was all gotten new by a lady who's  daughter has outgrown it and she gave me a fabulous deal. Not stinky or funky in the least. As soon as I get all the sh*t out of Ellie's room she can actually inhabit it with her things. That is the room that contains most of the previous overflow of stuff from my Mom's. For now Ellie sleeps in a rock and play sleeper in the living room. She seems to like it but the sooner we can get her into a crib, the better Titus slept in a bassinet in our room for the first 5.5 months of his life. When I moved him out I slept so much better. I admit that I often bring him to my bed in the early morning hours for a snooze and a snuggle. It is a good way to get him to sleep an extra hour or two and I love ( adore) sleeping next to him. During my years of infertility I longed for a warm snuggly baby body to cuddle up with. I wouldnt let him in our bed overnight because he is still prone to suffocation at his age. He sleeps in his crib, in a sleep sack, with a fitted sheet on the mattress and nothing else. Ellie will do the same in her crib.

Im starting to see why Ellie bombed the social portion of her developmental screen. Her eyes hardly track. Titus would follow anything with his eyes at her age. She is usually clamoring for milk, drinking milk, crying or sleeping. Not so much of that quiet alert time gazing at me like Titus did. I hope she will catch up in the coming weeks. Pleased that they are coming out to make sure she is developing normally.

Wow, this has turned into a real bitch session. I am cranky. My step mom told me yesterday that no matter how long Ellie is with us, they will try to get her adopted by family when it comes down to it. That means looking for 2nd cousins out of state. Divorced uncles. Of course responsible family cant always be found. Even a few years ago foster parents could claim psychological parenthood after a year or so. The law has changed. I suppose I feel a bit defeated, like no matter what I do for her it wont be good enough. This is probably exhaustion speaking to some extent.

I promise hes not pooping. Just growling!

I purchased a professional picture package, it's just a matter of when I will ever find time to take the babies.

How I wish I could share a picture of Ellie. Her growth continues to flabbergast me.

not much time to post at the moment but thought I would share a few things quickly

• got final confirmation that the reason they cant place ellie with her siblings is the rule against having 3 under 3 in the same home, sometimes they can make an exception, not in this case.  This makes me pretty sure that failing return to parent, they will place the baby with the sibling family shortly after her older brother turns 3. Next May. This is just my very best guess. Like Faith said, she is not a suitcase and I worry how this will damage her. I will be the only mommy she knows this year. If Titus went to live elsewhere he would be so heartbroken. Already. I really wish they could just give that family some extra help instead of letting her bond with us then uprooting her.
• My brother came round with some gas powered lawn tools and really got our yard whipped into shape. We need all the help we can get.
• I turn into a raving bitch when I am this sleep deprived. My poor husband.
• I got an invite to shop at a non profit charity shop just for foster parents. This was from a kind woman in a neighboring county. She has clothing for Ellie and a dresser. Maybe even a double stroller which we can't live without for too much longer. She also said I may select items for Titus :) All free of charge.
• I desperately need exercise but don't know how I am going to get any. Too tired in the evenings to leave the house. I do have an eliptical exercise thing that I am going to have to bust out of storage. I feel like such a huge, fat, slug.
• Plans to make batches of baby food this weekend.
• Still trying to get my head right about this foster placement. Accepting that its likely we wont be able to adopt her, but making room in my plans, heart, and head in case we cann.
• Loving these babies 

Staying

Court was interesting today. No private adoption will take place, as Dad is still out of the state.

Plan is return to parent, as it has to be for DHS to establish how mentally ill Mom really is and build a case for her not being fit to parents. This will probably take a year. Caseworker said that Ellie will be here a long time and confirmed that she is not being allowed to place her with the siblings. No word on future plans as far as the sibs go. Perhaps they will clear that family for 3 under 3 eventually. My step mom who works for the agency says that she suspects that there is something about that family that I dont know yet. A reason for them not to have made an exception and placed Ellie there anyhow. Should be interesting to see how that plays out.  I feel comfortable buying her a new car seat ( she has been using Titus') and fixing up the foster nursery all girly. His room needs a bit of attention too. He has no closet so he needs a wardrobe. She has a closet but could use a chest of drawers. Both need a book case and a toy chest. In the market for a used double stroller but not the god awful graco one that I got for the twins. We still have it but it is a beast. Hurts my back to push it. The newer models are probably less bulky.

I have a short video of Titus growling which I will try to post in the next day or so.

I am trying to line up some helpers so that I only have to be alone all day with both kiddies one day a week,, until this trying newborn phase is over. Once I can sleep a solid 6 hours a night things will get SO much easier. Im used to taking care of lots of kids at once. The twins and the girls primed me for that. I also used to nanny for little ones very close in age.

Quite possible that I will have a 13 month old and a 7 month old in my home come Christmas.  I wonder how mobile they will be? 

To sleep perchance to dream

I have reached new levels of exhaustion and sleep deprivation. A level which I could only imagine before. My grasp on reality is a little shaky at the moment. I think Brian is feeling the same. Yesterday he said, "I put that onsie on Titus, the one with the wolverines and broccoli".  The pattern is owls and trees, but he was serious. That is what he saw.

At his 6 month visit Titus' pediatrician asked me not to worry about his growth. She said that if I went to get a second opinion they would be ordering more bone scans and the like, but that it is her educated opinion that he is just fine.  I have been worrying though as it seems he hasn't grown at all since we returned from England. He is still sporting his size 3 month trousers. He will be 7 months tomorrow. Baby Ellie is fast catching up to him in size. She turned 1 month old on the 1st.  She came home at 6.5 lbs and is now over 9lbs. Titus is 14 lbs, soaking wet. He takes just a bit more milk than she does. To be fair he is eating 2 puree meals a day.

In Ellie News, lets see. Her Mom had convinced DHS to allow her to arrange a private adoption. Even though their general policy is to not allow private adoptions once a child is in state care. She was going through the same agency she used when her 2 year old son was adopted as a newborn in 2010. She met with her adoption worker to look at family profiles, but out of nowhere decided that if Ellie's Dad wasn't going to participate she no longer wanted to proceed with the adoption.  Dad is MIA and presumed to be in Chicago. Her caseworker has not yet closed the door on this subject. I think they are all hoping she will decide to go through with it because it makes things easier for everyone. Everyone except Ellie that is, who I feel deserves to be with her siblings. For some reason Mom didnt want her to go there. DHS seems to concur. A supervisor has said that they may not place Ellie in the sibling home as they are awaiting the arrival of the 1 year old sister from another state. They think that this family would be over extended with a 2 year old at home, then a 1 year old and a newborn placed around the same time. My best guess is that they will  let the 1 year old sister get settled for a few months, then do a home study to see if the family would be able to handle all 3.  That is if no private adoption takes place. Things are up in the air at the moment. The caseworker said " She is all yours for now".

I have to purchase a new catalytic converter for my Honda van. Normally these things are not that expensive but its a part that is very particular to this Japanese car. It will cost nearly 1000 dollars for parts and labor. I need to renew my registration and cant do so without passing emissions. Bah. Brian has decided that we can not make it a day longer without buying some new furniture. Chests of drawers for our bedroom and a big linen cabinet sort of thing for the main bath.  This will eat into what little bit of savings we have at the moment. I hate to worry about money but its a fact of life with 2 kids and 1 income. Perhaps I can talk him into holding off on the furniture for a while. I wanted a weeks vacation in the Eastern Oregon desert this summer, but that night not be possible. Brian and I are talking about a full month in Mexico early next year.  Probably depending on the Ellie situation

Titus continues to be super delightful, charming everyone that comes in contact with him. One of my best girlfriends came over on Friday ( she brought a wonderful Thai takeout dinner). He has only met this particular friend a few times but that did not stop him from wanting her to hold him and giving her little love pats and nuzzles. He does like the ladies. He has very little stranger anxiety but is starting to protest when I leave the room. This is normal. His penis surgery just around the corner. I think that is a post for another day.  I don't even feel like talking about it.  He has been rather chatty. He says Mamama, Mamba, bababa, and dadada. My Mom is trying to teach him to say "Obama" in anticipation of the upcoming presidential election. He was born on election day.

I did get a questionnaire for a developmental screening for Ellie. They are also calling it a mental health screen but I am not sure how that works for an infant.  We have court on the 5th. At that point they switch her from an intake social worker to a permanent caseworker. This should shed a little bit of light on how long they expect her to be in our home. It SHOULD. Not to say that you can predict anything with social services in my state.

A few years ago I had 2 wisdom teeth removed. They said the other 2 were so impacted that they would never poke through or give me any trouble. They would have had to go in there and break things up to extract them. Well, now I have one poking through and bothering me. I am teething at 36 years of age! Titus can relate. I want to get these other 2 teeth removed but that will probably have to wait until after his surgery.

We are going through about 14 bottles a day. in the neighborhood of 55 oz of formula. 17 diapers.  I am getting 3 to 6 hours of broken sleep nightly. Ellie slept a 4.5 hour stretch last night. This is great for her age. I think she will be doing 6 hour stretches within a month. Maybe there is some relief on the horizon. 

things are still going pretty well with baby Ellie. She eats SO much. She is very much stronger than Titus was at her age. Her neck is stronger, she can wriggle harder. Her rooting reflex is certainly much more pronounced. Often she will clamp down on my boob right through my shirt if I am holding her at a certain angle. Titus had to be coaxed and coddled and he still did not want to nurse. This baby was built to thrive and I am proud of her. She is gulping down 3oz of formula every 2-3 hours. This is a lot for a baby of her size and age.

I keep expecting a call or email from the family that is waiting to welcome her into their home. I gave DHS permission to give our contact info and said I would be happy to facilitate a visit as soon as possible. I wonder why they are not phoning. I wonder if the caseworker even gave them our number. You would think that they would be very eager to see pictures at the least. Ive sent pics to the caseworker. Ellie's birth mom and dad did not make it to their supervised visit on friday. The agency will try again this coming Friday. They have arranged transport for her. I feel nervous about this teeny tiny baby being shuttled around town and passed around a visiting room. Her mother has a history of erratic and unsafe behavior with infants. She put peppermint  oil in a baby bottle once. I told the visit supervisor to never let the baby out of his sight and he assured me that nothing bad would happen on his watch. Also thanked me for being concerned, he said somebody has to be concerned on her behalf. I also dont like a ton of people handling a newborn. Germs! UGH.. and Im not going to be there to tell folks to wash their hands.

We have had a bit of a heatwave the past few days. Both babies spent the day in their diapers. Titus still broke out in a heat rash around his waist. 90ish degrees is unusual for this time of year. Nobody has AC in this part of the country. We have a small portable unit but it only cools one room. I am up now eating strawberries and waiting for miss ellie to wake up for a feed. High hopes that she will then knock out for another 3 hours so I can get a chunk of sleep. Titus doing a lot of night waking still. He feels that 4am is a fine time for a 6oz bottle then back to sleep until 7 or 8. He wakes several times in the night to express his displeasure at having rolled over on his tummy.

Waiting to hand this foster baby over to her adoptive family.. a huge bag of mixed emotions. Mostly it feels like being asked to hold another persons lottery winnings before they can come and collect. Im trying to think of it as baby feast after a long, dry, and unpleasant baby famine. The lovely smell of her! Her thick head of silky auburn hair is heavenly. I could eat her all up. I take her in later today for the 2 week well child visit and newborn screening part 2. She has a pretty nasty case of oral thrush. Apparently contracted at birth. Sadly, we will need to give her an oral anti fungal to get it cleared up. I am boiling all her pacifiers and bottle parts. Her belly button scab fell off a couple of nights ago. Yesterday she had her first proper bath in the Fisher Price Whale of a tub. She seemed to like it. Titus adores that bath and actually fell asleep in it yesterday. Funny little man.

A friend from the computer sent a box full of small baby girl clothing today. Hand me downs from her baby who was born the day before Titus. We are so thankful for this help. A shorter term placement of a foster baby always ends up costing the foster parent a lot of money. I will apply for WIC  to pay for her formula. The brand both of these babies take costs 22 dollars a tub.

Ellie stirs now. I might have to do a cool washcloth to wake her enough to eat. I think the heat is making her sluggish.

we have a new camera.

Brian told me that he wasn't 100% sure that he wanted to adopt little Ellie anyhow. Of course that's easy to say now that we know we wont be able to. He said it was because he still wants another bio baby and wishes to continue fostering. If we adopted now that would be the end of our family building/ and foster parenting efforts. He does get a lot of satisfaction out of being a foster parent. Which is good because he dislikes his day job and we all need to feel like we are making a difference in the world. At least I do and I'm pretty sure he does too.

I'm starting to panic because I don't know when I will sleep when he goes back to work. Ellie takes nice long stretches of sleep during day. 3 hours of quiet sleep at a time. She fusses and grunts and wriggles all night. Titus has been waking because he rolls over on his tummy then freaks out, but of course he keeps doing it in his sleep. I plan to go to bed at 7 or 8. Brian can then put Titus to bed at 8 and stay up with Ellie until 11 when he normally goes to bed. If shes sleeping, great I can get another hour or two. If not I get up and feed her. This still isn't going to make for much sleep because I cant really drift off or nap after 4 am. Titus stirs around then and often requires a feeding. Most mornings hes been sacking out again until 6 but she will usually need to be fed during that time.  Unless both babies nap at the same time by some miracle, I wont be napping during the day. Titus has been FINALLY taking a longer afternoon nap. His morning nap is still 15-20 min. Same for second morning nap but usually around 2 pm he falls asleep for an hour or two now. Bliss. and really for his age he sleeps just fine at night. I just have to learn how to navigate this newborn thing again with another baby thrown in for good measure. When Titus was a newborn we mostly cuddled on the couch all day. I was sleep deprived but so anxious about his well being that I wouldn't take the opportunity to nap. I watched Ancient Aliens on the history channel and was so delirious that some of it actually seemed plausible.

speaking of sleep its quarter to 5. all babies sleeping so perhaps I should try too. I can leave ellie in her bassinet in the living room and go to my own bed & ignore her sleepy grunts and squeaks. if she cries I will wake up. If this works for me I think I might have just figured out the solution to my sleep problem!

what goes up

We had a letdown during our first face to face meeting with Ellie's caseworker on Tuesday. Because the placement worker had one little bit of incorrect information, which made all the difference as far as our chances of adopting . Basically, the family that adopted the sibling who lives locally DOES want this baby. Very much so, They are not certified foster or adopt with the state though. My Mom said because they are considered family they could have done a provisional certification within 24 hours. They didnt do that so we assume they are doing it the long way which can take months. For those that dont know, my mom is a DHS caseworker in another county.

We are now back down to earth. The fall hurt. We do want Ellie to be with her sibling, so this is bitter sweet. I had an outpouring of support from some women in my November due date online buddy group. Some of them were kind enough to mail packages of clothing for Ellie, and now I feel a little bad because she will be leaving before she is able to make use of all of those things. The fact is that she needs them though. You dont sent a foster child to their new home without a full wardrobe. At least I never have! The child and protective services machine is such a slow moving thing at times, its really impossible to say how long we will have her. They wait for court dates, supervisor approval, bank holidays etc. The children suffer for that in the end. This was made clear to us with our last placement. 2 years of being in care and they are still not available for adoption. Still waiting on parental rights to be terminated even though those parents demonstrated over and over and over again that they are not capable or willing to properly care for those girls. Even though the policy is permanency plan within a year. Sigh. I do hope they move things fairly quickly for Ellie. She deserves to be in her forever home already. With a mother to gaze into her eyes while feeding, and stroke her and love her and never leave.

The jaded part of me thinks that we will have Ellie in our home just until she starts sleeping through the night. Just until she smiles a lot and becomes a little more charming and engaging.  This has picked open my infertility scab a little. I didnt know that would be SO very easy to do after having Titus. The feelings are still raw, still painful. I resent being so unsure how we are going to complete our family. Foster/ adoption is painfully hard. Birthing another baby might be impossible. Most people wouldnt have to worry about it quite yet, but Ive a gut feeling that any fertility I had is screeching to a halt. Time is running out and I dont have another 5 years to try for a second child. I just want my family complete, which it very well might be already. It might have to be, but thats not the way I want it.

Throwing another wrench into the sibling works, I have figured out that there is something very wrong with my belly. It never went anywhere close to a normal size after giving birth. I thought it was lax stomach muscles and belly fat. Now I am pretty sure that I have diastasis recti and or some sort of abdominal hernia. I walk around looking 6 months pregnant, I couldnt suck it in if my life depended n it. That whole area just has an odd look to it. Very unpleasant to look at. There is some amount of pain. I have wondered why my abdomen remains tender to this day. Underwear and pants can irritate that area. I thought it was nerve damage from the C section. I will make an appointment with my OB first. My guess is that they will tell me to lose some weight and do physical therapy  then see where we are at. Insurance likely wouldnt correct a hernia. Its considered cosmetic. I would have to pay the thousands of dollars out of pocket.

Titus is doing well. He sees his pedi on Thursday for the 6 month well child appointment and immunization shots  At 13.5 lbs I think he will no longer even show up on the growth charts. I cant care though because he is obviously so healthy. Chunky legs! little belly!  He is going through a frustrating phase. He wants to do so much more than he is capable of physically, which results in a lot of screaming and boredom. He wants to be all over the house getting into things. I hope his motor skills soon start catching up with his mind. Today he learned how to push air through his lips and seems so proud. Busts out laughing if you do it back to him. He has figured out the I drop it and you pick it up game. Another favorite game is "mummy eats my hands". He thinks that one is hilarious. The boy is very ticklish.  He is on 2 meals a day now soon to be 3. He had butternut squash 2 times today, in addition to trying baby oatmeal and peaches.

Time for a little snooze before either baby wants my attention.