Today marks 3 days since I went and got baby Ellie from the hospital. We are calling her Ellie. This is not her name so its okay to use it here.
That afternoon was fairly surreal, due in part to sleep deprivation. I knew I needed sleep more than anything but my mind was reeling and my stomach was churning all that night. What if we could keep her!? What if we cant? What if social services bungles this up like they did with the twins? Those poor 2 year old twins placed in our home, yanked away on a days notice to live with an uncle they had never met, only to be given back to the state when he had to leave the country a couple of months later. I'm still angry about that. They have never been able to give me a phone number for the foster home they ended up in. The boys wouldn't know us now. Anyhow, I couldn't sleep and by the time I arrived at the hospital that evening everything felt like a dream. The nurses were pleased to see me and had been expecting me. They had the baby with them on her little cart, there in the nurses station. I presume because her mother had been discharged earlier that day and Ellie no longer had a room. I presented them with my ID, and they filled out a load of paperwork. They had me dress the baby. Good job I had thought to bring her a "coming home outfit". As far as I could tell they had nothing for her there. she was 6.5 lbs and 18.5 inches at discharge, so has a little room to grow in the newborn sized sleepers. They loaded up my duffel bag with diapers, formula, bottles. The usual. Not as much loot as I got for Titus. In fact Im using some of that stuff for Ellie now, the extra nursers and nipples.
The social worker had said that the mother is mentally ill, and that its obvious when you speak to her. The nurses confirmed this for me by reading some of their nursing notes where they had recorded her erratic behavior and quoted some of her delusional conversations. The poor thing is very, very ill. She ought to be in a state hospital. With the budget cuts that have happened in this state the past 15 years, the only way you can get inpatient psychiatric care is if you are criminally insane or a real danger to yourself. Sad stuff.
So far she is an easy baby. Eating lots, and regularly. Pooping finally. Sleeping most of the day like a normal newborn. Not very fussy. She is physically stronger than Titus was at that age, although not much bigger. Mother nature designed her to thrive. Now she just requires that her needs get met. I can do this, if given the chance. I know it will not be easy with 2 little ones. Its not so different than having twins I imagine. One sleeps through the night. Brian and I feel like we just finished a rather challenging video game, only to level up. You think you can care for an infant? Try it with another newborn this round and see how you do. We started keeping pace and the tempo changed. We do feel like we can rise to the occasion. It takes a bit of putting on your big girl pants and not feeling sorry for yourself during the long, sleep deprived hours of the day and night. The mind altering, bone crushing exhaustion. We have to laugh a lot. A mother of twins told me that its just one day at a time. This will have to be my new mantra.
I have wondered if this is fair to Titus.Does he not deserve to be my only baby for a while? In a perfect world, yes. He would have 2 or 3 years of my undivided attention. But I do not get pregnant easily. Nor have I had much luck carrying to term. a sibling would be pretty hard to come by the old fashioned way. Not that adoption is easy, but I think the benefit of having a sister would outweigh a little less attention in these early months. Think of how much fun and how much mischeif they could get up to. They would be in the same grade in school. The class of 2030 if my math is right.
I will update as I get more information about her case. She is a sweet little soul and we are lucky to have her in our home, no matter how long she stays. Shes not a guest, but our daughter while she is here and we want to do everything we can for this baby.
That afternoon was fairly surreal, due in part to sleep deprivation. I knew I needed sleep more than anything but my mind was reeling and my stomach was churning all that night. What if we could keep her!? What if we cant? What if social services bungles this up like they did with the twins? Those poor 2 year old twins placed in our home, yanked away on a days notice to live with an uncle they had never met, only to be given back to the state when he had to leave the country a couple of months later. I'm still angry about that. They have never been able to give me a phone number for the foster home they ended up in. The boys wouldn't know us now. Anyhow, I couldn't sleep and by the time I arrived at the hospital that evening everything felt like a dream. The nurses were pleased to see me and had been expecting me. They had the baby with them on her little cart, there in the nurses station. I presume because her mother had been discharged earlier that day and Ellie no longer had a room. I presented them with my ID, and they filled out a load of paperwork. They had me dress the baby. Good job I had thought to bring her a "coming home outfit". As far as I could tell they had nothing for her there. she was 6.5 lbs and 18.5 inches at discharge, so has a little room to grow in the newborn sized sleepers. They loaded up my duffel bag with diapers, formula, bottles. The usual. Not as much loot as I got for Titus. In fact Im using some of that stuff for Ellie now, the extra nursers and nipples.
The social worker had said that the mother is mentally ill, and that its obvious when you speak to her. The nurses confirmed this for me by reading some of their nursing notes where they had recorded her erratic behavior and quoted some of her delusional conversations. The poor thing is very, very ill. She ought to be in a state hospital. With the budget cuts that have happened in this state the past 15 years, the only way you can get inpatient psychiatric care is if you are criminally insane or a real danger to yourself. Sad stuff.
So far she is an easy baby. Eating lots, and regularly. Pooping finally. Sleeping most of the day like a normal newborn. Not very fussy. She is physically stronger than Titus was at that age, although not much bigger. Mother nature designed her to thrive. Now she just requires that her needs get met. I can do this, if given the chance. I know it will not be easy with 2 little ones. Its not so different than having twins I imagine. One sleeps through the night. Brian and I feel like we just finished a rather challenging video game, only to level up. You think you can care for an infant? Try it with another newborn this round and see how you do. We started keeping pace and the tempo changed. We do feel like we can rise to the occasion. It takes a bit of putting on your big girl pants and not feeling sorry for yourself during the long, sleep deprived hours of the day and night. The mind altering, bone crushing exhaustion. We have to laugh a lot. A mother of twins told me that its just one day at a time. This will have to be my new mantra.
I have wondered if this is fair to Titus.Does he not deserve to be my only baby for a while? In a perfect world, yes. He would have 2 or 3 years of my undivided attention. But I do not get pregnant easily. Nor have I had much luck carrying to term. a sibling would be pretty hard to come by the old fashioned way. Not that adoption is easy, but I think the benefit of having a sister would outweigh a little less attention in these early months. Think of how much fun and how much mischeif they could get up to. They would be in the same grade in school. The class of 2030 if my math is right.
I will update as I get more information about her case. She is a sweet little soul and we are lucky to have her in our home, no matter how long she stays. Shes not a guest, but our daughter while she is here and we want to do everything we can for this baby.
I recognized my life so much in this post. It is hard, very hard. With Addy, she nursed all day and night. It was so difficult. And I remember the feeling of thinking we JUST finally got a routine with Jax and BOOM, it all went to hell, lol! But, we survived and you will too. I think it is actually harder than twins from talking to my friends who have them - at least they are at the same developmental age so you know what each needs and can be in the same frame of mind with each of them. When they are 6 months apart, it feels like you are constantly shifting between their needs and levels. Although, as they get older, it will be easier. Oh, and the guilt - yep, been there. But seeing the 2 of mine now snuggling and giggling and cracking each other up makes it ALL worth it. Hang in there. I'm still here if you'd like to talk.
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